60 Funny Valentine's Day Quotes About Love and Relationships
Whether you're single, partnered up or somewhere in between, these hilarious sayings are for you.
Love is a many-splendored thing, but it's also deeply personal. But the explosion of everything heart-shaped, covered in lace and roses of a certain color that seem to be everywhere starting right around New Year's sure doesn't make it seem that way. Valentine's Day is a seriously commercialized holiday, no doubt about that. And if all of that has you feeling a little cynical about love, we can't blame you. But we do have a solution, or at least an argument in favor of giving the heart a chance. Lots of comedians, actors, writers and funny people also feel some kind of way about Valentine's Day, most of whom have articulated their sentiments much more eloquently (not to mention hilariously) than we ever could. Favorites like Will Ferrell, Lily Tomlin, David Sedaris and Jerry Seinfeld have all tackled the subject with pithy sayings and observations that range from smile-inducing to absolutely spit-take worthy.
Whether you're trying to decide what to write in a Valentine's Day card, looking around for something that will make your partner in anti-Valentine's laugh out loud or you're in the market for the perfect Galentine's Day Instagram caption, these funny Valentine's Day quotes skip over the sappy aspect of this holiday and head straight for the sillier side. Here are our favorite hilarious V-day sayings that are bound to put a smile on your face. (But if you do want a little more lovey-dovey, we have plenty of romantic quotes here.
Tracy Smith
I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
"30 Rock"
Love is hiding who you are at all times. It's wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.
Jenny Han, "All The Boys I've Loved Before"
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!
Unknown
Love means nothing in tennis, but it's everything in life.
Melanie White
Remember, your Valentine's card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you're too lazy to put it in your own words.
Nora Ephron
Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from.
Mike Primavera
You're never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread.
Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Jackie Mason
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Charles M. Schulz
Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.
Pauline Thomason
Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener.
Eleanor Shellstrop, "The Good Place"
I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Unknown
Love is so much more than a four-letter word.
Cher
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.
Mindy Kaling
True love is singing karaoke "Under Pressure" and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.
W. Somerset Maugham
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
Dax Shephard
A man's main job is to protect his woman from her desire to "get bangs" every other month.
Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle kit.
Elizabeth Taylor
I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too – for being married so many times.
Unknown
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
As an Editorial Fellow for Good Housekeeping, Katie covers health, beauty, home, and pop culture. Outside of the office, you can find her killing it on the karaoke machine or listening to true crime podcasts.
Lizz (she/her) is a senior editor at Good Housekeeping, where she runs the GH Book Club, edits essays and long-form features and writes about pets, books and lifestyle topics. A journalist for almost two decades, she is the author of Biography of a Body and Buffalo Steel. She also teaches journalism as an adjunct professor at New York University's School of Professional Studies and creative nonfiction at the Muse Writing Center, and coaches with the New York Writing Room.
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